Saturday, August 27, 2011

A Haunting Most Mario!

I wanted to tell you all a story about something strange that happened to me once a while ago one time. It is a scary story, but in the spirit of Halloween I thought I would put it on my site two months early the way grocery stores stock their candy.

Once I wanted to play Mario but I didn't have a Nintendo for it and I was at a flea market. This old man I saw had Mario and a Nintendo but the label was not there. Also the man said it was owned by a dead kid named Jim. I said whatever cause I was eager to play Mario on my new Nintendo.




Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Some Totally True Fun True Facts About Your New Baby That Are Real and Not Made Up!

I have a friend who will be making a baby come out of her in a few months so I compiled this list of fun (AND TRUE!) facts about babies.

1. In utero a baby actually has four legs. It is only in the third trimester that the fetus gets its act together and realizes it is supposed to be turning into something resembling a human.

2. A baby is worth almost 200,000 dollars on the black market. Honestly, what sounds better, 18+ years of a whiny screaming despair machine. Or a new BMW and a house?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

A Grandmother Cares 4:GRANDMA UPDATE!

Hi, how is everybody. I am enjoying learning to use the internet. My grandson Chet was kind enough to hook me up to email and I have been soaring through the world wide internet ever since. I love seraching for recipes and I even discovered these things called laugh cats. They are so precious. These little kitties say things like "I would also like a cheeseburger" anyway on to recent news.

LAUGHTER UPDATE!
Grampa might soon be taking the world by storm as a writer for comedy. He had an idea for that Jeff Fuxworthy comedian. (He is the one who says you would be a redneck if) here is grampa's idea "you would be a redneck if you had a dartboard in your living room" LOL! (that means that you laughed out loud. It is a type of internet speak). Be sure to visit us from hollywood when the checks start rolling in.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

"X-treme" things an advertising mascot might do in the mid to late-90s

"X-Treme" things an advertising mascot might do in the mid to late-90s
1. Ride a skateboard while wearing a helmet and full protective gear.

2. Disrespect authority, but in a safe way, like calling your dad old
man, or hanging out in the park after hours to talk with friends
(after all you're growing up and testing boundaries is part of that).

3. Laugh at an executive in a business suit.

4. Use hip teen lingo like "Rad" and "Totally" and "OK".

Doam Lidman's Company Correspondance Volume 4:The HoverRound Power Chair Problem.

To: Hoveround Power Chairs
Subject: Help!

Dear Hoveround Power Chairs,

I made purchase of one of your hoveround power chairs nearly three weeks ago, I have been lodged in the pantry for almost one week. Not so powerful now are you? I was using my new power chair to retrieve some cream of wheat when I lost control of this damned contraption and became stuck between the food shelf and the toiletry shelf. Luckily I had my laptop near by so that I could email you for help. My wife Lindeh is bed-ridden and I fear she may be dead. Oh my dear sweet Lindeh. Why, I remember when I first met her.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Red Ranger and the dragon from Dragon-Heart fuck on top of each other: An Erotic Fan-Fiction

The Red-Ranger Fucks on top of the dragon from dragon-heart

The red ranger had just got back from fighting evil with the rest of the power rangers when he tripped over an object.

"What is this he said"

The object was a time portal and it sucked him up into the different time.

The red ranger was transported to medieval times from the movie dragon heart.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Doam Lidman's Company Correspondence Volume 3:The Goodyear Tire Incident

Doam Lidman's Company Correspondence

To: Goodyear tires
Subject: I am so sorry to have to complain

Dear Goodyear Tires,

I have been shopping for tires through your fine company for years and it pains me to have to make a complaint. I walked into your establishment at 8:30 yesterday morning to get a new set of tires for my car. While I was in there I was subject to listening to the loudest employee conversation I have ever heard. The new guy you just hired (the colored man with the Jamaica hair) was yelling loudly with another customer about some sort of pop singer called M&M. It was very obnoxious and I have not been subjected to such noise since 1952.

A wonderful work of Fan-Fiction

GOKE SAND SPIRSNDERMANS TEMESS UOP!!!!

Goku was worried about the latest job that bulma had sent him on. he had to take down a cave of radioactive spiders. she had tracked one of the dragonballs to inside the radioactive spider cave. goku finished killing the spiders. after he said "I am tires of this eaight legged freaaks on this mother bleeping plane")!!!!!!. then he found a strange pod. he got in the vortex and pressed a button. "I wonder what this is" he said to tails the two leggg fox.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Doam Lidman's Company Correspondence #2:The Axe Body Spray Incidents

To:Axe Body Spray Company
Subject:YOU SCOUNDRELS!

I am writing to you "People" at the axe body sprays company to complain about your axe body spray. I live in a small suburban neighborhood with my wife Lindeh. Many loud obnoxious teenagers often ride through my neighborhood on their skating boards and roller shoes. They are hooligans and truants and sometimes they shout things at my wife and I.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Doam Lidman's Company Correspondence #1-The Del Monte Canned Mixed Vegetables Hullabaloo

So I decided to do a favor for my great uncle who doesn't get out much anymore and let him have his own column. He has a lot of things to say and those things are mostly about products that he doesn't like. So I have given him a space to detail his correspondence with various companies. His name is Doam Lidman and he is 83 years old so I hope you can give him a chance, he is trying his best. Enough chitter-chatter, on to the first entry!-H.R. Whrigull, Editor in Chief


Doam Lidman's Company Correspondence  #1
The Del Monte Canned Mixed Vegetables Hullabaloo

Hello to everybody out there on the internet! My name is Doam Lidman and I am very excited to be writing my first column for my grand-nephews website. I am 78 years old and live in the small town of Fork, Minnesota. I live with my 3rd wife Lindeh and have two kids, Geoffrey and Richard who I am very proud of (Although as of late Geoffrey has become a member of the homosexual community :( so I am a bit disappointed in him). In my free time I enjoy going on walks with my wife and reading my magazines, However, My favorite past-time of all is corresponding with various companies that I harbor grievances against. So today I have for you my latest email letter.

This weeks letter is to the Del Monte Corporation. I thought I was simply purchasing a fine mixed vegetables product for my wife and I to eat for supper but it soon became more then we bargained for. to find out what happened read on!

A Grandmother Cares 1:An Inspirational Tale of Faith

So from time to time my grandmother Joehn sends me email forwards that are rather interesting. They can be anything from inspirational stories, to joke lists, to important new and info. With my grandma's permission I have chosen to share with you some of the most entertaing and informative of her Email forwards. So here is the first in the series. -H.R. Whrigull

A Grandmother Cares 1: An Inspirational Tale of Faith

An inspirational story from PASTOR JAMES of GRACE LORD LAMBS PAUL CHRIST CHURCH OF THE HOLY BABY JESUS GOD CHRIST SPIRIT OF NEWERDAY TESTAMENT SAINTS

Hello all of my little lambs! Today I'd like to tell you the story of one of the youths of the church. His name is johnny and this is the story of his fall into sin and his eventual savior by the lord.

1.

You see, Johnny had the whole world ahead of him. He had straight A's, Participated in many church sanctioned after school activities and was all set to join the army after graduating high school. But Johnny's sad fate would soon reveal itself, for he was about to fall into the dangerous world of VIOLENCE GANGS. It all started after school one day when johnny was walking to his bike to ride to his bible study group.

Extreme Man Adventure Stories Volume 1

I thought I'd take a stab at writing one of those classic mens' magazine tales you are always hearing about in films and day-time talk shows. Without further adieu I present...

EXTREME MAN ADVENTURE STORIES MONTHLY

The following true story took place in late july, 2010 in the deep forests of Atlanta, Georgia.

     So I was like, in the woods right, and this bear comes up to me and he’s like twice as big as a normal bear and he was all like “GRAHHAR” (I think he smelled the honey in my back pack). So any way I was like “fuck you bear” and I pulled out my 30 inch hunting knife (kind of like the size that my dick is) and I stabbed the bear in the face. The bear was pissed since I fucked up his face so he pulled out a gun that was like a quadruple sawn off shotgun with rockets but I was all like “pshhh” and did a kick-ass ninja move into the bears balls and when he yelled I grabbed the gun and shot him in the body like twelve-hundred times at least.