Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Some Totally True Fun True Facts About Your New Baby That Are Real and Not Made Up!

I have a friend who will be making a baby come out of her in a few months so I compiled this list of fun (AND TRUE!) facts about babies.

1. In utero a baby actually has four legs. It is only in the third trimester that the fetus gets its act together and realizes it is supposed to be turning into something resembling a human.

2. A baby is worth almost 200,000 dollars on the black market. Honestly, what sounds better, 18+ years of a whiny screaming despair machine. Or a new BMW and a house?

3. When a baby is first beginning to gestate it looks like a crazy little alien. Isn't that far out. My friend rob has some dank weed and he showed me a picture he found on the internet of it once. It'll blow your mind.

4. In Utero was a pretty good album by the band Nirvana. Kurt Cobain committed suicide in 1994.

5. During the first week of your new baby's life its head will be squishy and very similar to play dough. Feel free to squish it's head into all sorts of funny and cute shapes. It's good for the baby, and it's good for you! You might even win some money, as child protective services runs an ongoing contest every year to pick the best squishy head baby picture. So get squishin' parents!

6. Like dogs and cats, you can raise your baby as an outdoor or indoor baby. Just remember to provide your little bundle of joy with fresh food and water at all times, and maybe a tennis ball.

7. In a 1997 study it was reported by leading baby scientists that baby's favorite food is habanero peppers. It loves em'!

8. Never leave a baby un-attended near a haunted museum. It may unleash an evil spirit that had been sealed away for thousands of years.

9. Baby's actually can completely and fluently speak English. They just choose to due it telepathically. (Source: Look Who's Talking; Look Who's Talking Two)

10. NEVER EVER SHAKE A BABY! unless they are really asking for it.

11. Read to your baby! reading to your baby can boost brain development and give them a head start in school. Babies love the feminist works of Gloria Steinem and enjoy Noam Chomsky. REACH FOR THE STARS BABY! 

12. Remember, your baby is a part of you and your partner. So if it comes out retarded you can blame them instead.

13. Babies love games! Strategy heavy games (Like Risk, or Settlers of Catan) Will get your baby's brain juices flowing.

14. Who loves Alex Trebek? Babies! that's who. Yes, the Canadian game show host's soothing voice can be an excellent substitute for attention from mommy and daddy when they are busy playing World of Warcraft. That's why you may receive a best of Jeopardy DVD at the hospital or birthing center. It's just good science.

15. The first baby was born over 5000 years ago, and lived till the age of 956! Says who? The Bible! that's what!

16. It is a myth that baby's can't chew food. There teeth are just recessed, like a snakes. The baby food lobby pours millions of dollars into advertising and congress every year to keep you from finding out about this. Enjoy your steak, baby!

17. Ferrets make great first pets for your baby and will watch over it at night. There is a reason why they call ferrets "Baby's best friend"

18. In Scandinavia it is tradition to blast Blondie's 80's hit "Heart of Glass" on repeat for a full 24 hours after the birth of a child. It is said to ward off evil spirits. Try it for yourself. "Come on Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners is an acceptable substitute, but is much less effective, as most ghosts love that song.

19. If your baby is crying, ignore it! It just wants attention so show it who's boss early on. You know who, your boss!

20. If you decide you don't want to raise your new baby after a few weeks, just leave it in the woods. Wolves will raise it, Them, when it is all grown up, you can collect on the sweet residuals from the book tour and Oprah appearances. After all, you deserve it, your the one who left your baby in the woods in the first place, and without you, it never would've been famous.

I hope you all enjoyed these fun facts and congratulations on your new tiny human you are going to let live with you.

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