Tuesday, August 9, 2011

A Most Magical Morning

Dear Blog,

Today the most important letter I have ever received arrived in the mail.




Oh my, this seems important. Especially given the message on the right.


Well now I have to open it. But before I do I better make sure there is nothing on the other side…

Just so we are clear I didn't add the red underline

 At this time I think it is appropriate that anyone reading this take a minute of silent prayer before moving on.
 ...
All set? Good.

What’s this? Decorative napkins! Thank you Lord!

Oh Wait.

It's just like Christmas!
 Let’s see what we’ve got here: First some instructions.


 Let’s see here. Only break open this sealed prophecy after I have put the church prayer rug and my prayer requests back in the mail. Can do Jesus. Apparently if I am not going to return the prayer rug I have to destroy the sacred prophecy.

I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!

Hmmm. Better not open that sacred prophecy then until I do whatever it said with the prayer rug.

Time Cube much?
 Whoops!
Well darn. I guess I might as well read it. Jesus is clearly mad at me now anyway.

”Gosh dang it” he says, “Why’d ya go and do that ya knucklehead”
Some important excerpts:

Something good is about to happen. Please do not open this prophecy until after you have placed your prayer page and the prayer rug back in the mail before sunset TOMORROW or the NEXT DAY. GOD will help YOU do this. YOU WILL SEE…

Ominous.

These “prophetic words” are given through inspiration of the holy spirit to help you be aware of blessing changes coming into your life. Unfortunately many are turning to psychics who have no place in God’s plan for your life.

I knew it! Silly psychics, prophetic words are for Jesus.

Prophecy is a theme in the bible and a solid foundation of faith. AS YOU READ THIS PROPHETIC WORD, YOUR FAITH CAN BE STIMULATED AND STRENGTHENED , AND YOUR SPIRIT CAN BE INFUSED IN A DIVINE MANNER.


Oh my, do go on.

PROPHETIC WORDS GIVEN FOR YOUR SPIRITUAL EDIFICATION

This letter uses all caps more than a 12-year old on the GameFAQs message boards.

MY CHILD, RECEIVE IN YOUR HEART AND SPIRIT THESE WORDS FOR TIME IS MOVING QUICKLY. I HAVE REVEALED TO YOU THAT THERE IS A GREATER PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE THAN YOU HAVE YET DISCOVERED. IT IS MY PURPOSE THAT MANY MYSTERIES BE OPENED TO YOU. NO MYSTERY CAN BE WITHHELD FROM THE MIND THAT IS OPEN TO MY SPIRIT.


What’d I tell you, chosen one. Shi-blam!

THE POWER TO SPEAK BLESSINGS IS IN YOU. YOU MUST DISCOVER THE WAYS TO USE THIS POWER. AS YOU DAILY SEEK ME IN PRAYER, UNDERSTANDING OF THE GIFTS IN YOU WILL COME FORTH. AND THE EVIDENCE OF THIS WILL BECOME APPARENT TO THOSE AROUND YOU.

Oh shit I am going to Hogwarts! Whoo!

DUE TO MY SPIRIT WORKING IN YOU, GREATER CONTROL OF THE PRESENT AND FUTURE PLANS CAN BE AT YOUR FINGERTIPS. YOU MAY FEEL INNER POWER GROWING BECAUSE OF YOUR CLOSENESS TO ME. NEW BOLDNESS IS BEING BIRTHED EVEN NOW. AS YOU ARE OBEDIENT TO MY INSTRUCTION, MY SPIRIT WILL CREATE IN YOU AWARENESS OF WHICH STEPS TO TAKE AND WHICH STEPS YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE, CONCERNING PLANS YOU HAVE MADE AND THOSE YOU ARE TO MAKE. I WILL DIRECT YOUR STEPS AND THE PATH I LEAD YOU ON CAN TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THOSE WHO WOULD DAMAGE THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU AND TAKE YOU TOWARD THE PATH THAT LEADS TO THE FULFILLMENT YOU SEEK.
Sweet, When do I learn to make a kamehameha

MY DEAR CHILD, I HAVE MUCH JOY PLANNED FOR YOU. AS YOU REMAIN FAITHFUL IN YOUR SEED SOWING INTO MY KINGDOM, SURELY YOU WILL BE BLESSED. BE NOT WEARY IN YOUR WELL DOING, FOR YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR PROMISED REWARD. I SAY UNTO YOU, MEDITATE ON THESE THINGS I HAVE SAID, FOR YOU SHALL SEE THEM WITH YOUR OWN EYES (JOEL 2:28,29)

Catch me Lord! Catch me!

Now that Jesus stopped talking let’s see what the church has to say.

THANK GOD THAT THIS ANOINTED PRAYER RUG IS BACK IN THE MAIL, ON ITS WAY TO THIS 60-YEAR-OLD CHURCH, SO WE CAN SEND IT ON TO ANOTHER DEAR SOUL. WE THANK YOU.-AMEN

You know, it’s strange. This reads almost the same as the previous message from God. This reminds me of how my mom had the same hand-writing as Santa. Weird.

Wow, I am really starting to believe all this. But let’s check out some testimonials first.


Well I’m convinced!

And look at all the things this prayer rug can help with!
PROTIP:The prayer rug is a point of contact.



It’s a MIRACLE! Strange how they have brackets on the name of the church though. I wonder why. I mean it probably doesn’t mean that this church is really a scam that changes their name every few months to avoid prosecution. Nope, couldn’t be. Probably the same folks who helped start the company mycleanpc.com. Oh wait, they’re called speedypc.com now (UPDATE: as of the time of uploading the new name is mehavefastcomputernow.com).

Some more testimonials:





Time to open up that prayer rug and get my prayer on!

On the back there is a short message.
Oh crickets, I better work fast. Someone else needs this prayer rug! Too bad there is only one of these in existence, but as they say: The Lord works in mysterious ways.

I turned it over and at the bottom I found instructions:

 Look into Jesus’ eyes you will see they are closed.


But as you continue to look you will see his eyes opening and looking back into your eyes. Then go and be alone and kneel on this rug of faith or touch it to both knees. Then please check your needs on our letter to you. Please return this prayer rug. DO NOT KEEP IT.

Now this is where I must come clean. I have not always been a faithful Christian soldier lamb of the Jesus God Lord. But looking onto this holy blessed prayer rug I saw the true face of Jesus and Yea I saw the light. Now I do warn you. After many attempts I was able to capture the phenomena of open eye Jesus on my camera phone. What you see may be shocking. I warn all non-believers that they will be changed on this day. Now, if you are ready, please scroll down.
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HALLELUJAH! Praised be thy name! HUZZAH! And also HOORAY!

My resolve of faith steeled by witnessing this miracle I decided to send in my prayers along with a donation to this blessed God church.


Suddenly I remembered something terrible. I don’t have any stamps. I prayed to God who art in heaven and also the Jesus.

“Lord, what is this test you have for me? Forgive me for I am stupid and stuff and don’t understand the ways of such as yourself”

Then he appeared to me in a picture on my computer that I took earlier on my phone and then photo shopped.


THANK YOU LORD FOR SHOWING ME THE WAY!

Godspeed prayer letter, Godspeed!
What a wonderful day this was. I had my faith re-affirmed and learned about how to get closer to God. I can only thank God and this church for showing me the light and allowing this life changing letter to fall into my path today. I only hope that someone else’s life is changed just as much as mine was when they receive this prayer rug and letter.

God Bless.-AMEN











2 comments:

  1. This took 2 hours to upload and format on my shitty dial-up internet. NEVER AGAIN!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You opened the prophecy?! God's gunna fuck you up!

    ReplyDelete