I thought I'd take a stab at writing one of those classic mens' magazine tales you are always hearing about in films and day-time talk shows. Without further adieu I present...
EXTREME MAN ADVENTURE STORIES MONTHLY
The following true story took place in late july, 2010 in the deep forests of Atlanta, Georgia.
So I was like, in the woods right, and this bear comes up to me and he’s like twice as big as a normal bear and he was all like “GRAHHAR” (I think he smelled the honey in my back pack). So any way I was like “fuck you bear” and I pulled out my 30 inch hunting knife (kind of like the size that my dick is) and I stabbed the bear in the face. The bear was pissed since I fucked up his face so he pulled out a gun that was like a quadruple sawn off shotgun with rockets but I was all like “pshhh” and did a kick-ass ninja move into the bears balls and when he yelled I grabbed the gun and shot him in the body like twelve-hundred times at least.
But when I did his skin fell off and it was a robot bear with lasers for eyes and it had shark hands. I would’ve been worried but luckily I had packed the only working light saber that I found on Ebay just before my camping trip with my wife and kids, they were scared and cowering behind a trees (what a bunch of pussies , am I right?) anyway I sliced the bear into about 10 halves and it exploded.
After that a bunch of hot bitches from that movie that just came out about the fucking smurfs in space and shit and they all said. “Thank you for saving us from that robot bear that has been scaring us all week” I was like whatever until the main hot bitch took her panties off and threw them at me. I could see that they were all hotter than my wife and cooler than my stupid kids and also if I went with them I would have lots of sex. So I did. Also my penis is like twenty inches long and also super thick so the sex was good THE END
I have yet to hear back from esquire-H.R. Whrigull, Editor in Chief