To:Axe Body Spray Company
I am writing to you "People" at the axe body sprays company to complain about your axe body spray. I live in a small suburban neighborhood with my wife Lindeh. Many loud obnoxious teenagers often ride through my neighborhood on their skating boards and roller shoes. They are hooligans and truants and sometimes they shout things at my wife and I.
This is nothing I can't handle on my own. I keep a shotgun filled with rock salt so I can fire off warning shots now and then and it keeps them away for awhile. Of course they always come back and it begins again. I have accepted that this is a part of my life. However, recently you have started selling this axe body spray product. Now all of these dang teenagers are wearing the stuff.
This product is disgusting. It smells like horrible death right around the corner. And worst of all my wife Lindeh is allergic to the Axe scent. It causes her to swell up like one of those monsters in japanimation my gay son Geoffrey keeps trying to show me. The teenagers wear so much of this axe body spray product that the scent overwhelms my wife. Because of this I have to keep allergy shots on hand for my wife whenever we go out on the front porch, and this seriously eats into our vacation fund.
So I say to you I demand an explanation from your terrible company and your terrible product. I fought in a war dammit and my wife Lindeh deserves better than this. Hell even my gay son deserves better than this. You are all terrible and are going to hell.
-Mr. Doam Lidman
Doam Lidman can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org